Nonsense
by Ophelia Joane
Summary: Where Sirius Black has a very odd night...


_Written for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition as Beater 1 for the Appleby Arrows_

_Prompts:_

_(poem) "The Song That Gets on Everybody's Nerves" by Various_

_(quote) "I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living." ― Dr. Seuss_

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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><p>Sirius Black didn't question much.<p>

In school he had always been the guy that went with the flow. After twelve years in Azkaban he saw no reason to question the simplicities of life, never knowing when they'd be stripped from him again.

That night, however, Sirius Black questioned his insanity.

It had all started when he was eating dinner with Remus, the Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione, after an Order meeting. Remus had been staying with Sirius that summer, since Sirius always complained about having no one around except for that 'bloody Kreacher', and the rest of them were there for their own various reasons.

As Sirius was about to cut into his steak, he felt something fuzzy run over his leg. Startled, he looked under the table where he saw an huge orange angry looking cat staring at him, which he knew was Hermione's.

Sirius sat back up in his chair, and raised his steak and fork, once more, to cut his steak. It had been a long day, and nothing would satisfy Sirius more then eating this steak.

And that's when he felt it again. Except this time that blasted cat had sat on his foot and started pawing his leg.

Sirius tried shaking him off, without receiving any attention, except while he started shaking his leg the cat took his chance to claw Sirius's leg.

"OW!" Sirius yelped, receiving many odd stares around the table.

"You alright?" Remus asked slowly.

"It's that blasted cat! It just scratched me!"

"Crookshanks?" Hermione asked, and she looked under the table. A second later she was hauling the overside creature up on her lap. "He seems fine to me," she said.

Sirius stared wide eyed at her. "HIM? What about ME?! Ugh, he's getting on my nerves. Just put him in the other room." Hermione shrugged her shoulders at him and stood to let Crookshanks out of the room.

"Both that bloody cat and her are mental," Sirius whispered, which the Weasley twins (who had been singing the song that got on everyone's nerves, oh what was it called?) both heard and snickered to.

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><p>That night Sirius was going through his usual nighttime routines: brushing his hair, brushing his teeth, brushing his hair again, and then changing into his dog form to sleep. He found he was the most comfortable that way.<p>

Counting sheep, he felt something jump onto his bed. Padfoot opened one eye and let a paw out to stable himself. Not as sensible as he was as a person (although Sirius had never been very sensible in the first place) he didn't think for a second how odd it was that Crookshanks had just jumped onto his bed.

Putting his head back down, Padfoot closed his eyes again, waiting for the darkness to come. But then he heard Crookshank meow and was forced to open his eyes again. When he did, he saw the cat get on all fours and practically sway his hips over to Padfoot.

"Hello," the cat said.

Now this really confused Padfoot, because inside his head he could hear the human version of himself fainting of shock that a cat had just talked to him.

"Er," Padfoot said back.

Crookshanks sat down next to Padfoot. "Sorry about your leg earlier, you just scared me."

Padfoot was staring wide eyed at the cat (much like he had done earlier to the owner). "It's fine," he said. He saw Crookshanks eye the cuts on his furry legs, and moved to go lick them. "Actually, I'd rather you didn-" he started, but was cut off from the cat.

"Sh. Just let me."

Soon the cat was licking higher and higher on Padfoots legs, until Padfoot realized that he was about to reach a very sensitive area. He jumped up and moved back from Crookshanks. "Right," he said, "I think it's best if you go, this is starting to get weird and not sensible.

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living." Crookshanks said, creeping the human side of Padfoot out, but making complete side to the animal side of him.

"Okay then," he said, and laid back down while Crookshanks came closer to him.

"Say," Padfoot started, "Out of curiosity, could two different creatures mate?" he asked.

Crookshanks looked away, "Maybe, although you are actually an animagus, making you a human, and I'm half kneazel so it probably wouldn't work out like you think it would." Padfoot nodded in understanding. "But it doesn't mean we can't try."

Half interested, Padfoot waited as Crookshanks made his move. That continued for awhile, the both of them getting worn out. And it only got more intense until, again, Crookshanks got too close to little Padfoot when-

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><p>BANG!<p>

Sirius Black woke up wrapped in his blankets and covered in sweat, gasping for air.

He heard footsteps running through the hall, and saw Remus slam the door open. "Mate!" he exclaimed, "You okay?" Remus walked over to help Sirius up.

"That bloody- he seduced- oh my god I can't believe- I'm not even gay- or a real dog!" Sirius was yelling. Remus was giving him an odd look.

"Right," he said, "Mate, why don't you go back to bed. There's no reason that you have to be up at-" Remus looked at his watch, "6:15 in the morning."

A little bit calmer, Sirius opened his mouth, "No, no. I don't want to go back to that- What are you doing up right now? I'll join you!" he said.

Remus shrugged, "I was just going to get an early start at cleaning."

Sirius nodded, "Yeah, yeah. Cleaning. That sounds nice. Nice and normal." He stood up and followed Remus out of his room, where they headed down the corridor to the staircase. Sirius stopped. "Remus," he whispered. Remus stopped and turned, giving Sirius a questioning look. "Is that cat checking me out, or am I mental?" Remus looked from Sirius to the cat standing outside of where the girls were sleeping, and then back to Sirius.

"Er, mate, I think you're just mental."

Sirius pursed his lips together, but continued his slow pace behind Remus.

And as he headed down the elaborate staircase, eyes dead set on Crookshanks, he swore he saw him wink and smile.

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><p><em>AN: That was by far the oddest story I've ever written. _


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